Here a Czar, there a Czar, everywhere a Czar Czar, old Obama had a Czar, eieio.
Forget about miles per gallon.
Let’s talk about something more important, mainly, how many czars per Obama are you getting?
One of, if not our biggest supporters, Erica, recently asked us if we could put together a list of the “czars” that President Obama has appointed, and what their functions are.
Erica works hard to promote the work that we do here, and in return we are glad to oblige.
Be forewarned however, you may want to grab a snack before you begin to go through the list, you may be hungry by the time you are done.
And, being the “heartless Conservatives” that we are, we took a slightly different approach to this.
We listed the Czar title, followed by the name of the person appointed to that post.
Then, under Official Duties, we spelled out what function the White House would like you to believe that person is performing.
Under Real Duty, we present our perception of what the job entails.
(Although we put a bit of a sarcastic spin on this, all of these positions are real. And at a later date, we will reveal how and why a lot of these people have no business working on any level of government.)
Auto Recovery Czar: Ed Montgomery
Official Duties: Helping America’s automakers work through their re-organization plans.
Real duty: Obama’s repo man
Information Czar: Vivek Kundra
Official Duties: In charge of Federal IT programs.
Real duty: Making sure White House PC’s have up-to-date anti virus programs
Drug Czar: R. Gil Kerlikowske
Official Duties: In charge of federal drug control programs
Real Duty: Making sure no one is firing up a doobie in the West Wing bathroom
Energy Czar: Carol Browner
Official Duties: Keeps the President up-to-speed on energy and climate change issues.
Real duty: Tells the President if it’s raining
Health Czar: Nancy Ann DeParle
Official Duties: Working on passage of health care reform
Real duty: Keeping Obama from sneaking outside for a smoke
AIDS Czar: Jeffrey Crowley
Official Duties: Director of National AIDS Policy office
Real duty: Keeping Washington, D.C.-area condom machines filled
WMD Czar: Gary Samore
Official Duties: Stopping the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction
Real duty: Moving Obama’s stuff out of Hawaii before North Korea launches nuke
(Birth certificate not included)
Bailout Czar: Herb Allison
Official Duties: Overseeing the distribution of TARP funds
Real duty: Keeping an eye on how much interest the loan sharks are charging us
Border Czar: Alan Bersin
Official Duties: Assistant to Dept. of Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano
Real duty: Helping Napolitano keep an eye on Hispanic gardeners
Pay Czar: Kenneth Feinberg
Official Duties: Setting pay limits for top execs of firms that have received TARP funds
Real Duties: Reminding Treasury Secretary to sign the payroll checks
Science Czar: John Holdren
Official Duties: Obama’s top science advisor
Real Duty: Explaining to Joe Biden why water is wet
Urban Affairs Czar: Adolfo Carrion
Official Duties: Planning and carrying out urban renewal programs
Real duty: Obama’s point man in the barrio
Terrorism Czar: John Brennan
Official Duties: Obama’s top advisor on counter terrorism
Real Duty: Assuring internal memos read “enemy combatants”, not “terrorists”
Stimulus Accountability Czar: Earl Devaney
Official Duties: Demanding accountability of how stimulus package funds are spent
Real duty: Stopping Tim Geithner from paying his back taxes with stimulus money
Economic Czar: Paul Volker
Official Duties: Overseeing cooperation and coordination between monetary agencies
Real duty : Picking up the tab when Obama and Biden go out for hamburgers
Technology Czar: Aneesh Chopra
Official Duties: Making sure Federal computer networks are secure from threats
Real duty: Providing hints and cheats to Kundra when he is playing video games
Intelligence Czar: Dennis Blair
Official Duties: Appointing people to the National Security Council
(They had to hire a guy to hire people? Why not use the guy who hired HIM?)
Real duty: Administering IQ tests to Joe Biden
Guantanamo Bay Closure Czar: Danny Fried
Official Duties: Overseeing closure of “Club Gitmo”
Real duty: Booking cruise ship passage for terrorists to Caribbean islands
Regulatory Czar: Cass Sunstein
Official Duties: Overseeing compliance with government regulations
Real duty: Stop White House staffers from stealing office supplies
Great Lakes Czar: Cameron Davis
Official Duties: Overseeing cleanup of the Great Lakes
Real duty: Checking Barack and Michelle’s canoe for leaks
Weapons Czar: Ashton Carter
Official Duties: Overseeing the Pentagon’s weapons buying programs
Real Duty: Keep Joe Biden from shooting off his mouth
Faith Czar: Joshua DuBois
Official Duties: Religious leader charged with continuing Bush’s “faith based inititaves”
Real Duty: Make sure Obama is asleep when preacher proclaims “God Dam America”
